We All Deserve to Die

I have been having this ongoing dream where I’m killing myself after killing some unknown person. I think my mental health is on a decline and I don’t trust myself around pills, plastic bags, razors, knives, anything that I can use to end myself. I hate being this weak. And while I’ve become kind of recluse by force, I’m thinking of going to this event on Saturday. I’m not sure how I’ll get there - this is where new friends should come in play. Sadly, I can’t make new friends because I lack that ability and chance. I’m not sure. I want to go because it’s something I’ve never done before, but am I only doing it because Jyg is living a new life without me? And what’s with this jealousy? Suddenly I’m looking at photos of her in short skirts and thinking that other guys are ogling her like they would a slut. My emotions are rampant. Something has snapped.

The fates are vicious and they’re cruel
You learn too late you’ve used
Two wishes
Like a fool

And then you’re someone you are not
And Junction City ain’t the spot
Remember Mrs. Lot and when she turned around
And if you’ve got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town

I think this sick city is eating me alive. I’m sure it is. It’s like a putrid cancer that latches to our minds/souls and sucks them drive. We are prisoners of our own private hell. Those of us who do go north wind up in Austin, where we just pollute it without ignorance and apathy. We are a horde of emotional vampires, or zombies, pick your choice. We won’t stop until everyone is just like us. And as long as I’ve known myself, I’ve known there are about two people in this world that I’ve met - the black holes and those of us who get sucked into their world. I’m afraid I’m becoming to believe I’m a dying star.

And soon I will devour everything there is to devour. And I’m sure that things will get better as they say, but when the only person who has ever made you felt normal no longer wants to deal with the shit that your life comes in store, then you feel that the rest of the world is worthless. And now I’m thinking what the point of living this life is because I can’t see it any longer.

I damned her earlier. I damned her for her confusion. Damned her for her drinking. Damned her for her friends. Damned her for all things that have befallen on me by her. And yet I cannot hate her, throw her out. I’m her slave, I’ve realized. The pathetic dog who waits around. I’ve hated the weak my whole life and now I’m one of them and I hate myself for it. If I could, I cut the very heart out of my chest and lay on the ground so that the world may stomp on it.

You think that luck has left you there
But maybe there’s nothing
Up in the sky but air

And there’s no mystical design
No cosmic lover preassigned
There’s nothing you can find
That cannot be found
’cause, with all the changes you’ve been through
It seems the stranger’s always you
Alone again in some new
Wicked little town

So what now? I’m not humanisticly suicidal, just off the wire, I suppose. For five years, I was balanced and now I’m like that circus act. One man upon a unicycle with a table upon his hand, glasses towering high and trying to stay balanced. Because when those glasses fall and shatter, I’m not sure what I am capable of doing.

They all deserve to die.
Tell you why, Mrs. Lovett, tell you why.
Because in all of the whole human race
Mrs. Lovett, there are two kinds of men and only two
There’s the one staying put in his proper place
And the one with his foot in the other one’s face
Look at me, Mrs Lovett, look at you.

No, we all deserve to die
Tell you why, Mrs. Lovett, tell you why.
Because the lives of the wicked should be made brief
For the rest of us death will be a relief
We all deserve to die.

Dream Blog III

Last night’s dream involved Jyg. She took me to some club/concert, the dream was really troubled, where I met these two guys who I went to high school with. Why I picked these two in my subconscious is still unknown to me, but for those of you who know me well, know the names of Rigo and Ruben and the trouble that follows their names. However, these weren’t their names in the dream. I can’t ever remember Rigo’s new  name, but Ruben was something like Freddy Spider or something of the sort.

Rigo, in typical Rigo fashion, followed Jyg around like a dog. Freddy, on the other hand, was more a hands on sorta guy. He constantly made Jyg uncomfortable to the point that we had to leave. As we were walking out, Rigo tried to stop her but she just said she didn’t want anything to do with Freddy. Freddy wouldn’t have it though. He was wearing this black and white striped long sleeve and he extended his arm and grabbed her. Rigo tried to stop him, but let’s face it, he was always the weaker of the brothers. In the end, I wound up cracking Freddy over the head with a rock, or something, rendering him unconscious.

The next day a police was walking around the area, and I was still there. They asked me a few questions and I denied it. The lady, police officer, then began to make calls. I asked her if Freddy was okay. He was. Then I asked if I made a confession, would she swear to keep Freddy away from Jyg.  She made the promise. I called Jyg and accepted my punishment, which apparently is a lot for just smashing someone over the head. I think I changed my mind late in the dream and killed Freddy.

Another Dream Blog

I’ve had another dream with Charis in it. This one was a little more soap operatic. El Senor and I were sitting around, drinking coffee, or tea, or whatever. We were going over a few things about something we’ve been planning.

After a while, I went outside and saw the members of her organization making a rather large banner. Suddenly, I began to wonder why there were on my street in the first place. El Senor suggested we have a party for whatever it was we were talking about. “Party brownies” was suggested and I agreed.

During our party, Charis found her way to the house. I don’t know why, but she did. Suddenly the party died down, but El Senor and I were still high. Charis went over a list of things she and I were meant to talk about. We talk about it when El Senor decided to blurt out the only reason I was even remotely interested in talking with her and being a part of the organization was because I had a crush on a certain someone, to which Charis eyes widened. I felt my skin burn with embarrassment.

I don’t remember too much of the dream as I only recalled it a while ago before I wrote this piece.

Only in Dreams

Strange dream this morning, right before waking up. I was at Pan Am waiting for Jyg or for someone else, that was never really made clear in the dream. As I was waiting for whoever by these wooden structures that Pan Am doesn’t have in real life, I saw a familiar face, let’s call her Charis. Charis and I weren’t remotely close, except in proximity cubical wise, but we had spoken during my reign as president of Sigma Tau Delta. She was the president, and still is, as far as I know, of a Christian club on campus. I was the first to contact her…you know, I’m getting off subject.

In the dream, like in real life, I was already graduated and just hanging around waiting for someone. When Charis saw me, she walked over to me and started talking. Just small talk, really. I can’t remember the conversation all that much, or why she stopped to talk with me as our relationship only included a smile and a wave, and perhaps a whispered hi. Afterward, a professor who called himself Roger in my dream, but whose real name is Steven, and even in the dream it felt wrong when he called himself by a new alias - this parts stranger because Roger was a prototype of a failed professor character in a zombie short story that I wrote last year which was based on Steven. Charis reaches over and gives me a hug and kisses my cheek, all too real feeling, and I kiss hers (this, by the way, is where I start waking up because I hardly hug people I’m not connected to let alone kiss them on any part of their bodies).

Roger and I talk for a while until he shuffles off to class. And I’m just left there wondering why I’m there in the first place and what has happened.