Last Day

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Sleep to be Awoken

My father, the man who never had a role in my life, the stranger in the crowd, a phantom of a man, was an alcoholic and, so, by natural psychology, I am at risk of being one. I don’t drink. Never have and I don’t want to. It’s the only goal in my life that I’ve the pleasure to announce I’ve kept. When I was a teen, I never wanted to drink illegally. As an adult, I am the sober man at the party, the loner, the unfunny one, lifeless and devoted to his sobriety. It shocks people to find this out. I’m sure some of you are staring at the screen with uplifted eyebrow questioning my honesty. In fact, the only alcohol I’ve consumed is always a part of a recipe, and never out of a bottle.

This probably puts a lot of people who have read my stories to question them. All my characters drink. They hang out at bars and grow drunk, hating society, becoming shadow men incapable of loving. They drink to regain a certain ease with themselves. To become happier than they have ever been. But it is fiction. The accounts of the characters are neither myself or anyone I know.

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

I lost my cousin to his addiction to alcohol. New Year’s Eve 2003 I went to bed. I woke up in 2004 to hear from my mother my cousin was dead. The medics said he didn’t feel pain. That his neck was snapped the moment he collided with the object he crashed into. The wreck was so bad that his legs had to be amputated. He was cremated, his ashes somewhere, forgotten.

At times, I still find myself thinking he’s not dead. I never saw a body. Never seen the evidence of his death. When I see a chubby guy with a scruff beard, I still think he’s around. I think it’s the guilt of knowing that I was the one that expressed that he wasn’t welcomed in my mother’s home anymore. I wonder if things would be different had I not said that. Would he still be alive?

When Teddy died in 2001, I think I was a little distraught. No one I knew had ever died before, not a friend and never someone my own age. I was in my BCIS class when the announcement that Teddy had not made it. He’d been in a coma for some time and was struggling to live through. I think that was the first funeral I ever attended where I felt this coldness growing in me. From that moment on, I never wanted to be associated with the substance.

I canceled all my friends who were drunks. I promised never to grow to close to them. So when I found out my girlfriend at the time favored the drink, I was distraught. Despite the fact that we probably weren’t made for each other, the one thing that was a constant for me was her passion for the drink. I didn’t want to stand around and watch someone fall into that trap, confusing alcohol for happiness.

Addiction’s held you back
But you don’t care
Cause you’re on a high again
And it’s not fair
Consuming alcohol
While I gotta drive
Take a hit from the drugs you stole
And try to survive

Since your life was over
You haven’t yet been sober
You have held me back so long
Everything you do is wrong

My brother, the middle child, named after my father, following in his footsteps, is also an alcoholic. I’ve seen him in and out of the system since I was a kid. And while I love my brother, I have absolute no respect for him. He’s wasting his life on the bottle. He’s a rotting mess. It depresses me that I don’t know how to talk to him, or what I can say to make this disease leave his body.

And the saddest part of the story is that my brother is painfully aware of his condition but refuses to do anything about it. Alcoholism, like all addictions, is an ongoing battle between the alcoholic and the substance. I’m sure my brother feels like he’s losing his, which was made clear to me when he asked me to kick his ass if he was ever a bad father - he told me this at 7:00 am as he and his friend were still up drinking from the night before. I told him I didn’t have the time and I’ll deal with him after school.

You are one of God’s mistakes.
You crying, tragic waste of skin.
I’m well aware of how it aches,
And you still won’t let me in.
Now I’m breaking down your door,
To try and save your swollen face.
No, I don’t like you anymore
You lying, trying waste of space.

Now I sit here and stare at this screen thinking how I came to this point. After swearing never to care about people who might be headed down the path of a bad addiction, I find myself compelled to take care of a certain person. As I told this person, I don’t want to be up at night fearing that the phone call will be someone telling me of their death. I worry enough about my brother, I don’t need to worry more about someone else.

I just hope that this person seeks comfort in something else instead of drink. That drinking shouldn’t be for the buzz. This, of all things, is now bringing me closer the edge than I have before.

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you’re drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Boredom

I have found myself editing a music video/montage of scenes from The L Word to Garbage’s “Androgyny.” I posted the music video earlier this week, but I’m sure you’re all anticipating reposting it. I’m not, but at least I’m well aware what my readers are thinking.

Androgyny:

No sweeter a taste that you could find
Than fruit hanging ripe upon the vine
There’s never been an oyster so divine
A river deep that never runs dry

The birds and bees they hum along
Like treasures they twinkle in the sun
Get on board and have some fun
Take what you need to turn you on

Break from the usual Wednesday stuff

Myspace is offering a free copy of Pennywise’s new CD, Reason to Believe. There’s only seven days left to download the album. I suggest you do so soon.

Sex Music, Revisited

Last Wednesday, I asked what is your favorite music to get it on to and a few of you answered. I have yet to respond to the question, because music really doesn’t do anything for me. However, upon stumbling through my playlist, I found this track by Custom. I’m sure a lot of your remember the song that was released like seven years ago, or something - six? - Hey Mister:

Hey mister I really like your daughter
I’d like to eat her like ice cream,
Maybe dip her in chocolate

Hey mister on your way to work,
In your Volvo, suit and tie
We’ll be crawling in your bed soon,
Messing around, maybe getting high.

Its not what you did, its not what you didn’t
God gave her the perfect body now I’m all up in it

Its not she’s a tramp, its not she’s not pure
she just likes getting her fuck on and its a good one of that I’m sure

Hey mister I really like your daughter
when I’m horny like thirsty she’s a bottle of water
hey mister, how’d it get so bad
you raised her so well now she’s calling me daddy
in the back seat naked of her new Volkswagen
the perfect little gift for high school graduation
Its not what you did, its not what you didn’t
God gave her the perfect body now I’m all up in it

Its not she’s a tramp, its not she’s not pure
she just likes getting her fuck on and its a good one of that I’m sure

Na na na na na…
na na na na na…
na na na na na
hahahahahaha

(Rap Part)
I eat all the food in your fridge
Call my friends around the world
Rack up your long distance too
Do breakstands neutral drops
Wreck all your cars
Drink all the booze in your cheezy ass wet bar
Order stuff on your credit cards
Leave boogers in the skippy jar
Smoke your cigars
Answer the phone tell your boss you moved to mars
When you call home late from work tell your wife
You’re at the titty bars

It’s not what ya did, It’s not what ya didn’t
God gave her the perfect body now I’m all up in it
It’s not she’s a tramp, its not she’s not pure
she just likes getting her fuck on and its a good one of that I’m sure

I can’t lie I have to tell the truth
Man to man mister it’s a total spoof
Your daughter’s a freak
Your daughter’s a pro
When I’m done with her
She’ll do one of your bros

I hope I’ll never have a daughter
I hope I’ll never have a daughter
I hope I’ll never have a daughter
I hope I’ll never have a daughter

Nana na nana na,
Nana na nana na,
Nana na nana na,
Nana na nana naaaaaaaa!

The song automatically reminded me of two people in my life, people I have never been sexual with. I won’t mention their names or how I know them, but I will say that one of them went psycho afterward. The other one wounded up coming on too strong and masturbated on the phone while I was talking to her, not saying anything remotely sexual. I suppose both of them went crazy.

I’m not sure what happen to either of them because I haven’t spoken to one since 2002 and the other one since late 2006 while I was trying to make amends with all those I have wrong in my life. The question remains if I was to ever have the chance, would I have had sex with them? (that sentence sounds wrong aloud.)

No. I’m sure I wouldn’t have.

To The Smashing Pumpkins

The Smashing Pumpkins: Lawsuit claims Virgin hurt ‘artistic integrity’

The Associated Press
Article Last Updated: 03/26/2008 08:29:15 AM EDT

Wednesday, March 26
LOS ANGELES — The Smashing Pumpkins are suing Virgin Records, saying the label has illegally used the band’s name and music in promotional deals that hurt its credibility with fans. In a breach-of-contract lawsuit filed in Los Angeles Superior Court on Monday, the rockers said they have “worked hard for over two decades to accumulate a considerable amount of goodwill in the eyes of the public” and that Virgin’s use of the band in a “Pepsi Stuff” promotion with Amazon.com and Pepsi Co. threatens their reputation for “artistic integrity.”

Virgin released the Smashing Pumpkins’ music for more than 17 years, but the only active agreement between the two parties, according to the lawsuit, is a deal granting Virgin permission to sell digital downloads of the band’s songs. Virgin may not use the band to sell outside products, the suit claims.

The band members said they would “never grant such authority to Virgin, or any other entity.”

The lawsuit demands that Virgin pay the profits earned in the promotion and asks for an injunction against using the band’s name or music.

I read it, twice in fact. Let’s get one thing straight, this is The Smashing Pumpkins, this is Zwan on steroids. About your “artistic” credibility, trust me Billy and the gang, I’ve questioned the moment I first heard Tarantula. I though, wow, Billy Corgan’s now making music for the masses. You’re a sell out and a fake, and being on a Pepsi Stuff promotion isn’t going to injure that.

Sex Music

The most memorable song that was playing while I was fornicating was Marilyn Manson’s Long Hard Road Out of Hell. Not because it was the most romantic time of my life, but because it was downright weird.

There have been other tracks listened to while getting down and dirty, or simply making love, but they bleed together. Never has one song been specifically chosen for the deed than the Manson track. I’m not sure if I was trying to describe that point of my life, or if it was because it turned on my at the time girlfriend.

So dear readers of Sex Wednesday, what track comes to mind when it comes to sex?