I, Agnostic

On April Fool’s Day I wrote a post about being touched by the hand of God, perverting it up with my homo-erotic vibes, which none of you commented on - thank you by the way; it’s a pleasure knowing that I’m not shocking enough for you, but oh, if I post something about tits and ass you’re all over my page like a virus, fucking perverts (says the man posting this shit up). Anyway, some dick-shit (whatever that is) Dutonline decided to call me friend - which I’m not friend of his and wouldn’t want to be with his lack of sense of humor - decided to call me out by saying:

Hey friend well i’m a born again person and I would just like to tell you friend tha Just because you don’t believe in something does not mean it does mean that thing does not exist. So I wish you all the best, that God would touch your heart God bless You

(Note: FUCK YOU WORDPRESS! I FUCKING HATE YOUR NEW SHITTY ASS LAYOUT THAT DOESN’T ALLOW ME THE FREEDOM THAT THE OLD ONE DID, SO SUCK A FUCKING COCK YOU SON OF A BITCH DESIGNING SHITEATTING, MOTHERFUCKING, WIFEBEATING, ANAL LOVING DICKHEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Anyway, good ole Dutonline is a grade A quitter. I’ve never believed in the whole “born again” Christian because I’ve noticed one thing: All born agains go off and become speakers for the Christian population, whoring themselves out there not for the almighty imaginary friend upstairs, but for the almighty green god down here.

My favorite con artists have to be the very sexy JC girls. They’re the ones that caught my attention first by using, ahem, sex to capture the hearts of the young hormone ridden teenage boy (and quite possibly lesbian girl):

Hi! My name is Heather Veitch. Thank you for visiting my website! I am a former stripper that reaches out to women working in the sex industry with the unconditional love of Jesus Christ. I am passionate about introducing others to the love of their life and inviting them to experience a genuine relationship with the Lord.

Hmm, seems fishy enough. Another favorite is the porn star who sees her way:

Geb! I’m so annoyed with this new fucking layout that I can’t think straight. Seriously WordPress, what the fuck?! Fuck this shit! If things don’t get any better I’m going back to Blogger and cleaning up Happier Parts of Hell.

Anyway, back to Dutonline: if you want to back me up on my decision to live my own life without the tainted hand of Christian America, then please respond to Dutonline snzmzila@yahoo.com.

I’ll try to write my point on something else later. Fucking WordPress and their asinine idea of creating this very pointless design. Fuck!

The (horny) Children of God

This is quite possibly a man orientated website. Some dude, a believer or a prankster, decided that he wanted to have kinky sex while obeying God’s creed.

Most of the things he uses to prove that everything is okay with God doesn’t correlate with the activity. For example:

This is a common misconception. Anal sex is confusing to many Christians because of the attention paid to the Bible’s condemnation of homosexual acts. However, it’s important to realize that these often quoted scriptures refer only to sexual acts between two men. Nowhere does the Bible forbid anal sex between a male and female.

In fact, many Biblical passages allude to the act of anal sex between men and women. Lamentations 2:10 describes how “The virgins of Jerusalem have bowed their heads to the ground,” indicating how a virginal maidens should position themselves to receive anal sex. Another suggestive scripture tells of a woman’s pride in her “valley” (referring to her buttocks and the cleft between them) and entices her lover to ejaculate against her backside: “How boastful you are about the valleys! O backsliding daughter who trusts in her treasures, {saying,} ‘ Who will come against me?’ (Jeremiah 49:4) And in the Song of Songs, the lover urges his mate to allow him to enter her from behind: “Draw me after you, let us make haste.” (Song of Solomon, 1:4)

What leads me to believe that the person who created this site is male is the list of “God’s Rules” that allows a married couple have a threesome:

(1) To avoid the impropriety of male homosexuality, a heterosexual couple should not under any circumstances form a threesome with another man.
(2) Both women involved in the threesome must be willing to keep within traditional female roles (i.e., not taking on masculine appearance or behavior in or out of the bedroom) and recognize the male as the leader in the relationship.
(3) If the wife’s lesbian sex partner is unmarried, it may be permissible for the husband to have relations with her only with his wife’s consent.
(4) If the wife’s lesbian sex partner is unmarried, but the wife does not wish her to have relations with the other woman, the husband should respect this.
(5) If the wife’s lesbian sex partner is married, her husband must not have objections to the relationship.
(6) If the wife’s lesbian sex partner is married, the husband should refrain from having any sexual relations with her, and should make every effort to control his fantasies about her. He should concentrate his attention on his own wife.

The photo links to the page. I suppose this concludes the WTF SEX POST, God’s Children Edition.

Atheist prayer

Just thought I should share this with you:

“Our brains, which art in our heads, treasured be thy names. Thy reasoning come. The best you can do be done on earth as it is. Give us this day new insight to resolve conflicts and ease pain. And lead us not into supernatural explanations, deliver us from denial of logic. For thine is the kingdom of reason, and even though thy powers are limited, and you’re not always glorious, you are the best evolutionary adaptation we have for helping this earth now and forever and ever. So be it.”

From Friendly Atheist.

More on the Sex Writing, fish baking, Wonder Boys, and a list of books

I think what got me into sex writing and the love of erotica, not just my early escapade with pornography, but also  Susie Bright. While I find most of her essays trite and boring, the books she compiles are awesome. The first book I ever read where she was the editor was, of course, one in The Best American Erotica series. It was the 2002 edition and I quickly fell in love with stories by Maggie Estep, Simon Sheppard, Stacey Richter, Gary Rosen, and Tsaurah Litzky.

I think what caught my attention with Maggie Estep’s story was this paragraph:

“Joe wondered why it was that tumors were always compared to fruit. He wondered if the nurse liked to have sex with fruit. Susan did.”

The beginning of the story had already hinted to the more than odd sexual preferences of Susan. But it was that line that, for some odd reason, that caught the attention of my 19-year-old mind.

The fact that “In Deep” was the first gay erotic short story I ever read that left me feeling all giddy inside helped Simon Sheppard. This book was the pathway I needed, like the porn when I was a kid, to a more mature level of sexuality.

Stacey Ritcher’s “When to Use” brought back the memories of sex. It’s short and reads like an instructional guide for the obvious womanly hygienic product.

It even inspired my at-the-time girlfriend to read. In the lines of something like, “If more books were written like this, about sex, I would read more often,” she confessed to me and a few of her male teachers who constantly asked her to read the texts. The girl wasn’t a moron, she was brilliant, though she did some silly things once in a while, but who can blame her? We all do them.

Anyway, I got off subject there. The difference between pornographic writing such as most of the stories found in the collection entitled Aroused and those found in The Best American Writing - though I can’t really say that for all the stories is that BAE stories have a more poetic charm to them and Aroused has more of a fuck me hard and fuck long sorta tone.

I don’t know, sex is sex and some of it’s great and some of it bad. The writings reflect that. I just love sex, what can I say?

Anyway, earlier, all that sex writing started to get me hungry. I started preparing fish earlier to bake, but I was tired of the same ol’ same ol’ fish. So I decided to use an old recipe I had for chicken, changed it around for fish and made that. It was a garlic fish marinate that I prepared. I was supposed to leave it for longer but “hunger gets what hunger wants,” right? I toasted two slices of bread threw them in the food processor with just enough black and cayenne pepper and enough seasoning to give the breading flavor. After that, I added just enough corn flakes to fill up the bowl (I have a small processor) and broke that up and dumped it in the bowl with the bread crumbs. I mixed it all up and then took out the fish and rolled it around, placed on it on the cookie sheet, covered that with foil because I was doing this in a toaster oven and not the actual oven, and baked for 30 mins at 350. I liked it and so did Jyg who got the last slice not too long ago for her lunch.

And now that I made that transition, the more I read Wonder Boys the more I realize that I’m more and more in Grady Tripp’s situation, minus the dead dog, the creative writing student, the being sorta Jewish and the pregnant mistress. Okay, I’m nothing like Grady Tripp, but what I meant is that one day he just woke up and his wife was gone. I guess that’s the reason why Michael Chabon’s stories capture my attention - they’re so three dimensional that you find yourself relating with them through out their adventures.

So I was reading the book today and I came across when Grady returns to his in-laws’ home for the Seder:

“I walked out to the driveway and started down toward Kinship Road, looking up at the mesh of branches overhead for signs of a blighted elm tree against which it would be kosher for me to piss. The air smelled cool and slippery like we bark, and although my wife’s refusal to let me share her nakedness, however reasonable, had hurt me - even though it mad my heart ache to think that I might never get to see my Emily naked again - I was feeling very glad to be out of the house, alone, carrying the happy clenched fist of my bladder inside me.”

It struck a cord with me. I almost wanted to cry, even though it was stupid to, because I feel that I will never hold Jyg or touch her in the way lovers do. With every fiber of my being, I’m attached to her. I don’t know if it’s because it has been five years, but it feels like something else. Of all the people in the world, I though I’d be the last to want to get married, and in many ways, I am. However, with Jyg, that’s all I wanted to do for a very long time. And I blew it by not going with my instinct. I only looked at rings. I only talked about plans. I never took action and I really just want things back.

Damnit.

Anyway, I’ll leave you with a list of books I’ve read and enjoyed by authors I’ve met in person. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

• Flight and Other Stories by Jose Skinner
• The Magic of Blood by Dagoberto Gilb
• I Ask the Impossible by Ana Castillo
• El Paso del Norte by Richard Yanez

I actually got to speak to the first two and that last one. I only briefly met with Ana Castillo at a book signing, speaking to her as quickly as possible. However, I was a little disappointment that she didn’t know how to spell my name. Sadly.

Overslept

I didn’t want to be pulled out of my dream. I can’t remember what I was dreaming, or if it was a good one or a bad one, but I do know I didn’t want for it to end when a close friend of mine, let’s call her The Professor, called me late this morning. She called to inform me that Blane - not his real name - had canceled on her. They were going out as friends later on, but something got in the way. I don’t want to give too many clues out here because this is the internet and it isn’t private or safe. Which is why I refuse to give out names. Anyway, the situation on Friday left her with smiles - I couldn’t tell, really, because it was a phone call and I didn’t see her face, but her voice sounded happier than ever. I suppose things happen for a reason, but what reason this is, I don’t know. I don’t have faith, nor do I believe in a destiny (well, not one that’s out of your hands), but some things just have to happen in order for you to grow and learn in this life. Why? I don’t know, go consult your beliefs.

After her phone call, which I didn’t answer because I was in the midst of a dream I can no longer recall, I buried my head beneath my pillow. As some of you remember, if you read my last blog, I have sleeping issues. I’ve had them for quite some time, but not as long as Briggie (read the comments section of that blog) has had them. By the way, just as a side not, I really love the advice dished out.

I have no religion. This is my personal choice because I was raised Catholic, and being Catholic, I wound up being depressed 50% of my childhood. I was going to hell for killing a mosquito, so said my CCD teacher. I also didn’t really like the fact that most of the mass, we seemed to glorifying - gorifying? - the death of Christ. The other 50% was spent ogling the Catholic girls. And would it make sense if I said that 10% of that 100% of depression and horn dogging in church, I was a blasphemer? However, what Briggie advised did make sense. Prayer or meditation, and…um…god(?) knows I am capable of both. Because I am agnostic and seeking a way of life that works for me, I have studied most of the religions that the media covers. However, I’m also interested in the ones that are unknown by the “civil” man. Meditation, couple with the Yoga stint, might actually be the best route for me to go. And it’s also, I’ve heard, relaxing.

Anyway, I was hoping that my typing this blog would jog my memory about my dream. Alas, that isn’t so. I’ll continue on about a guy who decided to get in an online fight with me late last night because of this video. I like Nirvana just as much as the next person, but Emilie Simon took the song and made it her own, something very few musicians can do when they cover a famous track by a famous band.

The feud, as I like to call it, started when I said that I can’t stand how people don’t believe that Kurt Cobain took that shot gun and blew his brains out. I love Nirvana. I’ve been a great fan, sadly, after the legendary singer had already offed himself. But there are the crazy people, people my age and younger, who are so into the zeitgeist of He was murdered, not suicidal that they are blinded by the evidence that is presented for them. Conspiracy theorists can’t be trusted. When has any of their hackney ideas been true? The person’s argument was fueled by the “evidence” presented on a “well-documented” website. While the evidence may be there, the truth of the matter is, Kurt Cobain had been depressed, a drug abuser, and suicide was the only way. The next you know, they’ll want to say Mary Hemingway was the reason Ernest Hemingway was killed–”Twas not suicide, twas murder!” However, I’m giving these guys too much credit. Most of them sit around never hearing of Hemingway because they have their heads too up in their asses to read a book, let alone actual literature. But here is a “well-documented” website that proves that Cobain’s lyrics were messages from the Devil, and that Kurt Cobain, amongst other great Rock legends, were spawns of Satan and little antichrists to spew the dark lords gospel. Excreta Divine! EnnuiPrayer’s debunked the Internet. I’m sure I’m going to get a lot of hate mail with this one from emo-aged kids who “get Kurt” and “I was there, man” morons who have to tangle with me. And let it be, but I just say, as Jesus Christ said, let the dead be dead and get on with your life. I predict in ten years, Heath Ledger will be murdered, rather than a simple explanation of death.

I guess that dream, whatever it was, isn’t meant to be remembered. But I leave you with this:

One believes that he may eat all things, but he who is weak eats vegetables–Romans 14:2

But the Spirit says expressly that in later times some will depart from the faith, giving heed to deceiving spirits and teachings of demons By means of hypocrisy of men who speak likes, of men who are branded in their own conscience as with a hot iron, Who forbid marriage and command abstaining from foods, which God has created to be partaken of with thanksgiving by those who believe and have full knowledge of the truth. For every creature of God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if receiving with thanksgiving. –1 Timothy 4:1-4

In other words, Christian Vegans and Vegetarians are an oxymoron, but I think Jesus says it best in the picture.

Of course you know, I just say in this jest. But anger will pursue me. Unless, you have a mind and a sense of humor.

Holiday Catholics *note, the word count is six hundred and sixty six for a reason

Abby spoke about them yesterday at the Sigma Tau Delta meeting. Had nothing to do with the meeting, but none of us were Catholic, so it doesn’t matter. It’s true, what she said though. Catholics–most, anyway–bitch about Lent every year, but don’t ever practice anything Catholic to begin with.

And it’s not just with Catholics–this goes for all religions. I’ve heard of Muslims who hate Jews solely because of that on going feud, yet, don’t practice their Islamic beliefs. Piety, it seems, is only in the mind of the nut job who thinks quitting meat on Fridays, or blowing themselves up for 70 virgins, is all relative. If that’s so, then a guy like me who doubts all things, must have a sure ticket to Heaven if I decided, in the final minutes of my life, to say, “Yes, I accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior,” or, “Jihad!!!!”

But you have to understand where I’m coming from. I was raised Catholic, and my family is Catholic, for the most part, and they still have this silly notion that I’m still in someway affiliated with the church. I’m not, and I don’t seem me anywhere in the near future that I’m going back to the ranks of pedophiles and winos.

Just a side note with that remark, there have been pedophiles and child molesters reported in all branches of the religion, not just Catholicism. To say that Catholics must be wrong because their religious leaders touch little kids is just ludicrous and insane. They’re wrong for the same reasons the rest of them are wrong, and that’s the blatant lie that God is a for sure thing, that there should be no question or doubting his existence.

However, what captivates me about holiday Catholics is the fact that they rarely practice what they preach. One girl had the gall to attack a homosexual friend of mine about his sin. “Homosexuals are an abomination to God,” she declared, though I doubt she used those words, or even knew what abomination meant. Clearly unbeknownst to her was the obvious pregnant belly that jutted out in front of her.

Ask a Catholic why the go to church on Sundays, and the answer, more likely than not, will be that they must go to Church. Truth is, more than half of teenage to young adults who attend mass don’t really want to be there. Grace knows I didn’t. Most of my adolescent time (before leaving the religion during high school) was trying to cover up my obvious boner that I had for the young catholic girls. And for the most part, that’s why I went to church, to ogle the short skirts and the perfect round cheeks of peer-aged girls–not to mention the thirty-something women who wore tight dresses in order to gain God’s attention, or marry the single for life (though other books excluded from the Bible say otherwise) Christian figure known as Christ.

Now the generation before me, are still attending church, feeling unmotivated, but still continuing to damn those who refuse to follow the great words of the Pope (Spanish slang, well in South Texas: popé is shit caught within the underwear).

And now that Lent is underway, Catholic peers are dropping drinking beer, alcohol, sex, pornography–the epitomes of sin. I don’t pretend to know what I’m talking about when it comes to a generalization of Catholics, but the truth is, Catholics are at the bottom of the food chain because no one takes their religious beliefs serious. Most of the born again were derived from The Passion of the Christ, a historically incorrect, Mel Gibson vision of the death of a Buddhist follower who just happened to trick a bunch of people into thinking he was the son of a god.

The thing I find odd, however, is that while many catholics are now complaining that their beliefs suck, none of them decide to quit being Catholic for Lent’s duration.

A letter to the nation’s leaders, present and future

“Here is my advice as we begin the century that will lead to 2081. First, guard the freedom of ideas at all costs. Be alert that dictators have always played on the natural human tendency to blame others and to oversimplify. And don’t regard yourself as a guardian of freedom unless you respect and preserve the rights of people you disagree with to free, public, unhampered expression.”

—-Gerard K. O’Neil, 2081

Dear sirs and madams:

In the last seven years have seen atrocities done in the name of freedom. Wars have been waged, political icons assassinated, civil liberties denied, amnesty hold ups, imprisonment of the innocent, attacks on free speech, attacks on religion, attack on our moral fiber. I don’t think my generation will ever see something as horrific as the gross attacks we experienced on 11 September 2001. I fear that my generation will look back to this time and say, “We failed. We failed ourselves; we failed our children; we failed on the dream.”

Each day, a young man or woman, most just out of high school, enlist in the arm forces with false information. The war we’re fighting isn’t for our freedom. It isn’t even for the national security. Each and every day, I hear that I should support our troops because they allow me to have a voice in this country. I no longer will stand for such chicanery. We have accept the truth. And we want a change in our nation.

On 4 November 2008, we will march and we will vote for the one who is most likely to lead us out of the mess that this last administration has gotten us into. We will see to it that no Republican, or Democrat, or any political figure, will ever deceive a nation during its weakest moment.

Today is Presidents’ Day. Schools across the nation are learning the history of the two most important figures our history has to offer. George Washington and Abraham Lincoln are remembered for their part in shaping the country; they both led wars against and enemy who wanted to steal our natural, and to some god-given, rights.

We have lost our way. We have lost the reason why this country was founded. We have witness that the First Amendment means nothing to those in power. Freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom to speak up in a public crowd and disagree with the President of the United States of America.

We’ve witness mothers being ignored for the death of their sons; children sacrificed for oil; politicians use the media like Fox News, CNN, a ton of other outlets as marionette puppets, hurrahing a pointless war effort; a PATRIOT Act was established and signed on 26 October 2001 in order to protect our national security. No congressman bothered to read the ACT before voting it in.

The irony of the PATRIOT ACT is that it managed to eat away at our freedoms. The people in charge–we, as well, for we turned a blind apathetic eye towards the system because of fear and ignorance–have failed to protect us and continue to fail in order to access some personal wealth, personal vengeance.

Ward Churchill wrote:

“On Sept. 12, while seeking to explain the reason underlying the 9-1-1 attack to the American people, he has explained that it’s because “they hate our freedom.” Thereafter, in apparent acknowledgment of the power “they” possess, he and selected congressional leaders team up to abolish what little remains of freedom in the U.S…” (254)

No one else comes to mind on the subject of freedom like Martin Luther King, Jr. On 28 August 1963 he stood at the Lincoln Memorial and made the now famous, possibly then infamous, “I Have a Dream” speech. Violence was never the answer to the pains of suffering. The word was mightier than the sword, the pen the excaliber of Camelot. He stood there and proclaimed, demanded, shouted, professed for his freedom. They had marched to the capital to “cash a check.” The monetary funds was freedom. They would not accept the excuse of “insufficient funds.

“When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” (650)

What freedoms have we seen? What amnesty has been created for my brothers on the other side of the border? A new zeitgeist has been sweeping through the valleys of our nations, creating hatred, where there should be love. And our politicians act on this to gain their momentum.

Freedom is our right by birth. Nothing the unlawful harming of others, of a society, of a human, child, woman, man, brother, sister, mother, father, uncle, aunt, grandparents, etc. shall ever take away such freedom.

As Thomas Paine said, “ignorance, neglect, or contempt of human rights” begets “public misfortunes and corruptions of Government.” (119). We, as a nation, vow to no longer to ignore the government, its policies and its wars. We, as a nation, vow to no longer neglect the rights of others and of ourselves.

We have “sacred rights” that we must adhere to. And not just as a country, but as a universal whole.

“He that would make his own liberty secure must guard even his enemy from oppression.” –Thomas Paine

We must call a “farewell to arms.” We must lay down the sword. If you want to be considered Christians, then you must follow Christ’s Sermon on the Mount:

“You have heard that it was said, “An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.” But I tell you not to resist him who is evil; rather whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also….You have heard that it was said, “You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.” But I say to you, Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you.”

“War, always an evil, is sometimes the lesser of two evils.” We shall remember this. War is only necessary when it threatens our way of life. Vow to never again lead us to war where no threat, no enemy of our freedom lives. We shall keep close vigilance on the capital for this.

“Politicians react to terrorism by limiting liberties, the West’s most cherished possession, in hopes of facilitating the capture of the minuscule percentage of people who are zealots intent on perpetrating atrocities.” No politician shall be granted permission to eliminated, liquidate, annihilated the freedoms of his nation, or any nation.

As Thomas Paine states:

“The Law ought to prohibit only actions hurtful to society. What is not prohibited by the law should not be hindered; nor should any one be compelled to that which the law does not require.

“”No man ought to be molested on account of his opinions, not even on account of his religious opinions, provided his avowal of them does not disturb the public order established by the law.” (120-121)

We must protect our brothers. We must give a passageway for those hardworking who want to be here. In order to do so, immigration laws must be reformed. Militia groups like the Minute Men, who impose racism and violence, fear tactics to the brown colored women, men and children, guarding the border with fire arms shall no longer be needed. Racists and white supremacists have no part in our new free world.

I ask of you to bring down the ways that the government has been playing its cards. We must no longer allow mass genocide of children in foreign nations to go on, while we point fingers at abortionists. We shall no longer kill innocent civilians. We shall no longer bomb a country in the midst of night to flex our muscle.

A war must only be implemented on those responsible for attacks on US soil. No one else, unless back with proper and real evidence, shall shoulder the blame.

We ask you to remove the troops from Iraq so that no mother shall ever have to go through another child’s death.

We call for change. We call for peace. We call for truth.

Which of you is willing to answer?

Falling Down

El Senor doesn’t call. We miss another coffee date, but that’s okay. He has kids and I understand. Instead, I get dress and walk about the house for a moment contemplating my next move. I call Adam Zuniga to tell him about the blog. I mentioned the article had been put up as well. He seemed pleased and that made me happy. I think for the meanwhile, my part is over. I got the accurate information out, something Miss Leatherman failed to do in her article. Now it’s phase two: Editing the article for publication. I must cut it down by a thousand words and revamp it with an angle that will blow Leatherman’s article away. That’s something I always had trouble with, angles.

David said working with a daily would be a lot more meaningful if I wanted to be a serious writer. I do, however, not media writer. I suppose we all have to start somewhere, right? Maybe that’s why I write the blogs now. I suppose in some sense of the idea, writing these everyday, or almost everyday, will help me learn not to be so paranoid when it comes to writing.

I’ve gotten off subject, haven’t I? I was talking about El Senor, not David or writing, though that’s where I’m heading towards anyway. It came to my attention that I’m a Chicano writer. This was brought on by Chicano News when a quote from my first blog made it to their page. It, of course, was taken out of context, though I’m sure they weren’t trying to crucify me. At least I hope they’re not. Here’s the quote:

“I for one have never considered myself a Chicano writer, but a person who happens to fall under the label Chicano by a community and just happens to write.”

Here’s the entire paragraph:

“So I’ve come to the conclusion that Jane isn’t an atheist at all, but merely a joke. I have the irking feeling that she is just the pawn, an invention of Judeo-Christians to promote the belief system. She is not a true atheist, nor does she deserve to use the term to describe herself. It has been to my belief that those who are willing to go as far as to label themselves, unless asked by the general public, that they are so and so, are using the term loosely. I for one have never considered myself a Chicano writer, but a person who happens to fall under the label Chicano by a community and just happens to write. And the only label I have ever called myself is agnostic solely because people refuse to believe there is gray area between those who are devout and those who don’t believe.”

I had already had the pleasure from Friendly Atheist of being posted as a quote in a comment made about 90 Day Jane. It’s not that I’m trying to toot my own horn–what does that mean anyway?–I just ask for permission to be shocked. Before moving here, I only wrote private blogs. Those who read them were just close friends of mine. Now I’m out there in the public with several readers (I go about 83 within a 4 day period) that I don’t even know. Now I worry just how much I can write here before exposing who I am and what my beliefs are.

I’m not ashamed by them, so don’t get me wrong. I have always stood by my word, which is why I’m not ashamed of writing something against The Monitor, the Rio Grande Valley’s guru of news. Actually, they are the stain in the media world. All the rejects from Pan American find themselves in the hands of the Freedom Communications paper, wandering about like thoughtless drones, writing what they see, and getting the facts wrong, as per Miss Leatherman–though, luckily, and happily, she didn’t go to Pan American and pursued higher education. (Notice how I don’t link these things.)

The Monitor makes mistakes, but then again, what paper doesn’t? I shouldn’t be too hard on them, should I? However, they refuse to show anything but what they’re paid to show. Money down here, as I suppose in other places, pushes the paper. What the rich wants The Monitor to publish is what makes it to the front pages. All that money stolen from X School District? Oh that never happened.

Reminds me of William S. Burroughs when he wrote in “Where You Belong,” a selection from The Soft Machine:

“My trouble began when they decide I am executive timber–It starts like this: a big blond driller from Dallas picks me out of the labor pool to be his houseboy in a prefabricated air-conditioned bungalow–He comes on rugged but as soon as we strip down to the ball park over on his stomach kicking white wash and screams out “Fuck the shit out of me!”–I give him a slow pimp screwing and in solid–When this friend comes down from New York the driller says “This is the boy I was telling you about”–And Friend looks me over slow chewing his cigar and says: “What are you doing over there with the apes? Why don’t you come over here with the Board where you belong?” And he slips me a long slimy look. Friend works for the Trak News Agency–”We don’t report the news–We write it.”"

That’s pretty much what The Monitor does–write the news. I’ve had the discussion with El Senor before.

How rude of me. Here I am talking of a friend and I haven’t probably introduced him. El Senor is a man, less than twenty years my senior. A marine, ex-military. He fought in Iraq Part One. Afterward, he decided to deal drugs on the street before finding himself in prison. After he was released he used his military funds to pursue higher education. He’s now working on his thesis. The reason I know him and we speak because we’re both poets/writers from La Frontera, and he was my vice president during my stint as president of Sigma Tau Delta last year. The former before the latter.

Right now we’re in the position of wondering what we’re going to do with ourselves. He has kids and I suffer from depression. Either makes it difficult to leave the valley.

We’re both would-be philosophers, also.

He’s an atheist and I’m agnostic. Most of the times, though, he treats me like an atheist. We talk politics at Moonbeans, sipping on bitter coffee. I’m not an avid drinker. I know nothing of coffee; I drink tea, Earl Grey mostly.

And like most atheists and agnostics, we talk about our beliefs openly. People around us normally add in how they wish they were as free as we are. I often wonder if they mistake us for father and son, I don’t look anywhere near 25, I’ve been told. (I can’t even grow a full set of facial hair, just patches as if puberty only just hit.)

I’ve been wanting to get him to sit and talk with Adam because I think the conversations would be interesting.

Note: The style of my writing is slowing down. The room is now hot. It is at a temperature when air conditioning fails to cool, but not cool enough outside to make it unnecessary. With the heat of my room, my thought process has begun to slow.

Last time we spoke, we had a discussion on the Borderwall. In a few weeks, months, whatever, the wall will make so much noise down here that I’ll never run out of material to write about. Luckily for him, he’ll be in Ohio serving out some time from an incident in his past. Imagine that–a graduate student working on his thesis behind bars.

I’ll try to write more on the subject on a later date. Hopefully, when I do, I can provide a transcript of a conversation with Adam E. Zuniga and El Senor.

Shemshemet Ministry & 90 Day Jane

I’ve been doing a lot of research on the Shemshemet Ministry, a South Texas branch of The Hawaii Cannabis Ministry, which was started by Roger Christie. The Shemshemet Ministry was established by Rev. Adam E. Zuniga of Edinburg, TX. It’s a rather interesting piece that I chose, even though The Monitor already beat me to the punch. The difference between mine will be that’ll actually be informational rather than taking Adam out and shooting–not literally, of course.

The piece I’m referring to has spread like wild fire through out Cannabis forums across the internet. I’d link the article, but then that would be giving the writer, whom I have no respect for, more publicity than she needs. You can find it online if you’re really desperate in knowing what she wrote. But the way she wrote it made me feel that she was condescending towards his beliefs and how she seemed to paint him as a delusional person who wants to smoke cannabis (I vowed to do my best never to use the terms marijuana, weed, pot, etc. when referring to his sacrament).

My article, that I’m writing for South Texas Nation will be on him, his ministry, but mainly the legality of the choice. I have more information than I wanted, so I’m thinking of making a short documentary piece on the subject, hopefully with the aid of Rev. Zuniga and those like him. It’ll be short and based in the Valley. I’m hoping to also get a few representatives of along for the ride. I’m think Aaron Pena because he’s from Edinburg and that makes perfect sense to me.

On to another topic. I’ve been contemplating what I wanted this blog to be about. I already have a-what’s-going-on-in-my-life styled blog, two actually, so I didn’t need another one. After reading an article in a writing journal, I decided it’d be best if I had a writer’s blog as well.

So as I contemplated the fate of this blog, I came across 90 Day Jane. I’m not opposed to suicide, though I’d never have the weakness to do it myself. Let’s face the facts, however. I suffer from depression and anxiety, so suicide has been an idea in the back of my head. I don’t think I could do it, and I don’t want to ever believe that I’m weak enough to ever take my life. But the thing is, it’s still there. I know I run the risk of my personal life being exploited on the internet where potential and current employers may read, but it’s a serious condition and I feel I should address it in at least one of these blogs.

However, and I quote from the 90 Day Jane blog, Jane states the following:

This blog is not a cry for help or even to get attention. It’s simply a public record of my last 90 days in existence. I’m not depressed and nothing extremely horrible has lead me to this decision. But, does it really have to? I mean, as an atheist I feel life has no greater purpose. My generation has had no great depression, no great war and our biggest obstacle is beating Halo 3.

I feel great shame about this whole thing. The media whore she’ll most likely is/will be in the future compels me to believe that there is in fact a hidden agenda. I’m not the one who feels this. There are many blogs out there that are saying the same thing. For instance, Friendly Atheist has also commented on the count down blog.

What I find great shame is the fact she noted that she is an atheist and life has no greater purpose. First of all, let’s get the facts straight. I’m an agnostic because if I can’t commit myself to believing in something that I cannot see, touch, hear, etc., then I cannot, by the same logic, deny the existence of a higher being. I cannot touch, see or smell certain gases, but I do have empirical data that they exist. I cannot touch, see or smell the evolution of man, and I still adhere to that theory because of the same reason.

However, to feel because you are an atheist that there is no greater reason to exist, to go on, to live, because of your non belief in a higher being, is just ludicrous. Even Buddhists believe in a similar thought:

“…every one must bear the burden of his own sins, that every man must be the fabricator of his own salvation, that not even a God can do for man what self-help in the form of self-conquest and self-emancipation can accomplish.” (Goddard, A Buddhist Bible, 3-4)

I know Jane isn’t worried about sin, but is focused that if she doesn’t believe in the possibility of a heaven and hell (a reward and a punishment), then life must not have a purpose. Wrong! Life is purpose. You don’t need a higher being to give you purpose. Existentialists have seemingly come out of the woodwork for Jane. Life’s greater purpose is only chosen by the person who is living. If you feel you have no purpose it’s because you have chosen not to have purpose.

Albert Camus wrote:

“There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy. All the rest–whether or not the world has three dimensions, whether the mind has nine or twelve categories–comes afterwards.

“I have never seen anyone die for the ontological argument… On the other hand, I see many people die because they judge that life is not worth living. I see others paradoxically getting killed for the ideas or illusions that give them a reason for living (what is called a reason for living is always an excellent reason for dying).”

What reason does Jane have for dying? For the sole reason that life has no reason. If I could communicate with Jane, I’d ask this one question: If life has no meaning, then why are we here? There must be a reason, otherwise we wouldn’t exist. Each of us has a reason born within. Whether it was given to us by some higher being, or if it was given to us the moment we saw that our destiny was always in our grasp. So there are reasons that we can have for living, we just need to know what it is.

How do we find out? There are many ways. What moves you the most? Does going to work on a day to day basis, clock out, go home and be with yourself or family make you happy? Then there is your reason for living. Your job. Your home. Your family. These are reasons for living. What about your dog? What about your car? The fact that you make someone that loves you smile? Do none of these things give you the will to go on? What about the small voice you make when you write? There has to be something that gives you a reason to go on in this world. And if you feel that you don’t, then there are ways of obtaining a reason. Church, religion, faith, civil service, community service, charity, donations, nonprofit organizations, things that you can actually get out there and make a difference.

And now I come full circle back to Rev. Adam E. Zuniga who told me that we all have a destiny to fulfill. He asked me in an interview, “What is your purpose? Is it to write an article and help people get their message out?”

Up until then, I had always treated article writing, this freelance job that I have because I like having a lot of free time and living poor (not true by the way). I never once, however, thought that my writing was anything more than a duty I had to fulfill in order to get money. Money makes the world go round, doesn’t it?

But what I have learned in the short period that I’ve known Adam is that there is a lot out there for me to do. I just have to take my picking. I can write for a living, that has never not been an option. However, I feel that something has sparked in me that I must push further to finding my place in this world.

I don’t have control over the events that happen in my life, but Adam did say I do have control over myself. And that’s all that matters in this world. If I am able to one day say, “What in the world was I thinking when I thought I could be an actual writer?” I could easily take my degree in English and put it to other uses. We are not stuck in the loop of having to believe in God and not having to believe in God–we actually have the choice in believing other ideas from other countries. Buddhism, Hinduism, etc.

I wonder if Jane has ever thought of that? It should be fairly simple for someone who isn’t crying out for attention or help to notice that life has meaning only when you give it meaning. We should take it by the grasps and just live.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that Jane isn’t an atheist at all, but merely a joke. I have the irking feeling that she is just the pawn, an invention of Judeo-Christians to promote the belief system. She is not a true atheist, nor does she deserve to use the term to describe herself. It has been to my belief that those who are willing to go as far as to label themselves, unless asked by the general public, that they are so and so, are using the term loosely. I for one have never considered myself a Chicano writer, but a person who happens to fall under the label Chicano by a community and just happens to write. And the only label I have ever called myself is agnostic solely because people refuse to believe there is gray area between those who are devout and those who don’t believe.

So is it a ploy? I suppose we’ll never know unless she has the ability to come back after she’s dead.

—————-
Now playing: Manic Street Preachers-Suicide is Painless (theme from MASH)
via FoxyTunes