As you all know, yesterday was my 25th birthday and I think I accomplished it rather well. Considering my brother (the middle child) didn’t call me, put me off a bit. No matter our feud with each other, we never failed to act like family when it comes to these “special” days. I love my family, and I don’t think I say that enough. I’m hoping to arrange something on Saturday so I can tell my entire family my plans for my future. I also want to discuss another thing I’ve been bottling up inside. I hope to tell my niece as well. If anyone needs to know about the difficult life on the path I’ve chose for myself, it should be her of all people.
Mother took me out for lunch. We ate at this Chinese place and I told her about the Peace Corps. She told me she wanted to do it as a kid. I saw that flame in her eye I once saw when I was a child. It was the same flame she had when she tried to go out for GED but succumbed to defeat. I’ve always wanted to be there for my mother in the way she was there for hers. I don’t think I’m strong enough though. A lot of my friends have seen my relationship with my mother is a lot stronger than they ever had with theirs. My mother’s been like a best friend to me in my youth. She still is in many ways. I know she wants me to grow up and let me go because all good mothers want that. But I can’t help but to feel that she can’t stand to face the fact that if I’m gone, that would leave not only the void of her son, but her friend as well.
I always had this plan that if I left for something like this, then Jyg would be around to pick up my slack. Now that it’s over between us, I don’t expect her to ever do that for me. Those who know me well should know I’m crying at this moment as I write. For those who don’t, I’ve learned to let go of my social stigma and allow myself the emotions most men bury inside themselves, or numb with alcohol. But now I wonder what’s going to happen when I’m gone? Sure she has the Kid and my nieces and nephews, my brothers, my grandmother, my aunt, etc. But who’ll be here when I’m gone? Who’ll make sure she keeps her appointments? I know I’m putting myself way ahead of what’s happening. I may not even be able to join. But that’s the problem I face with all my paths.
Forget that for a moment. Too depressing.
I got presents, one, actually, and the half of another. I bought myself the selected stories of O. Henry because I wanted to read “The Gift of the Magi” since I heard about it on The L Word. My mother, and Philosopher found this quite humorous, The Best of Best American Erotica 2008, the final book of its series.
Because I feel indebted to Susie Bright for introducing me to this wonderful world of (sexual) freedom - and possibly a world where a 58 year old (Catholic) mother can buy her 25 year old (Agnostic) son a book of “smut” with good conscience, knowing that she raised him both as a woman’s civil rights activist and an out spoke liberal humanitarian, though he’s too lazy to actually go out there and riot, but does support them in every medium possible through his writing and his art (ahem, meaning writing) - I shall read her story, “Story of O Birthday Party” first. Miss Bright, if you’re reading this, thank you.
Now now, let’s not give her all the fanfare. There were several people who helped make it possible for her to accomplish along the way, and there were many others who did the same. American Erotica is no longer the smut that we so righteously condemned it to be, but an artistic expression that gives us a certain freedom of who we will fall in love with. That is why I hold Erotica at its most highest peak.
But yeah, you’re all still a little freaked about my mother buying me the book for my birthday and all that I just wrote was nonsense. It’s not Oedipal so get your fucking minds out of the smut (ahem, Freudian) gutter.
And for those of you who wished me a happy birthday (ahem, Philosopher) thank you so much.
