Writers & Experience

I was watching The L Word earlier and it came across the quote that writers want to experience things first hand. I think this is true, though I’m not sure how much of it is in my case. While I want to see what goes down in the night life at a certain adult video store, I do not want to partake in the sex that may or may not happen there.

And during this break from Jyg, I know I’m supposed to do something drastic like get a job and experience the working world and I have every intention of doing so. However, I think there is more to life than just sitting behind a desk and working for wages, hating every single second of your life because no matter how much you lie to yourself, you aren’t really happy. Money is important in life, I know, you can’t survive without it. But it shouldn’t be what drives you in the morning. Your passions should. I think if things don’t get better with us, and I have this impending fear that they won’t, I’m going to save money and just vanish.

I’m not running away, don’t start with those accusations. I’m simply getting up and leaving to experience something else. Let’s face it. I’m the lone guy now in my group. Everyone around me has surpassed me in life and now it’s left me questioning my future. My three closest friends are either married, married with children or simply have children. That leaves me the only single, childless guy. And while that may not be so bad now, things won’t always be as easy. Kids grow up, becoming a certain age that Friday night outings will fade into obscurity. And I’m not writing this so my friends can feel bad for growing up, because I couldn’t be happier for them. I’m just learning how to accept the fact that we’re not always going to be the same four people we were in the past. And no matter how close we are to each other now, and how close we’ll always be, we have to accept certain fates.

I don’t belong here. I may not even belong to wherever this road leads me. I don’t think I’ll ever belong anywhere. I did once. I did before the break. Before the accidents. Before the depression. Before the children. Before the husbands and wives. But don’t belong here anymore. And I think that’s what is getting me down.

I suppose it’s my overreacting mind.

Tired

Having one of those days again. When things seem like they’re pointless and nothing matters more than just sitting here and feeling sorry for myself because I’m a failure at what I started off with. To think that I spent four years of college just to be stuck here in this rut, with nothing to do and a fading ambition - I feel like shit.

I know that I’ve been bitching about things lately and my writing is less than wonderful, but  I suppose that in many ways I’m just tired of being the one left out to dry.

I want to feel happy again. There aren’t many things in this life that make me feel that way. I suppose if I could just latch onto something, a belief, a person, a mentor, a wonderful soul, I could evaporate these things.

My apologies to Adam for not keeping up with my writing the article. With a lot of things going on in my life, I think I’ve put all that in the back burner. My apologies to you all if I don’t make it through this.

Rocket Man, or in the vein of Hank Moody

I hate to disappoint, but I begin with this:

Love suffers long. Love is kind; it is not jealous. Love does not brag and is not puffed up; it does not behave unbecomingly and does not seek its own things; it is not provoked and does not take account of evil; it does not rejoice because of unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; it covers all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never falls away. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I don’t know what to do. Today may have been the last time I kiss her lips, touched her in the way lovers naturally do. Five years with her and tomorrow, when I wake up, she won’t be there like she used to. Instead, we will try to reinvent what we had in the past. Will it last this time, most likely. We haven’t officially broken up as she is in that confused stage and I’m just distraught by the events happening. I think that the world beneath me is once again the rocky edged road. I’m too worn out to write. Think I’m going to lay down, take a breath.

What happens from here? There are two outcomes, right? The great path will that this will blow over and we can proceed with our life together; the other is rough and I don’t think I’m in the mood of thinking about it. I was hoping to write an entire blog. But I keep blanking out. So many emotions, so little time.

Fuck.

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Now playing: My Morning Jacket - Rocket Man
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