I drew a picture of you…

I’m not sure how I feel right now. I don’t want to hate her and I know I don’t and probably won’t, or can’t. For the meantime, however, I’m asking her not to contact me or see me or anything. Apparently, it was my Epiphany post that drove her to the decision. I can’t understand why. It was my crack at calling myself the (ex)boyfriend. I wasn’t sure what I was anymore. I was having a case of identity crisis. I wasn’t her boyfriend and I wasn’t her exboyfriend. So I called myself the (ex)boyfriend because I’m in a gray area. This signaled the change.

Now I’m here listening to Aimee Mann like a moron in love with something that cannot be. And The Professor and Jenndiggity, amongst my other friends, have given me the support that I need. If I make it through this, I can make it through anything, however, I fear that something may go astray. We’ll see, I suppose. We’ll see.

And to think, you all thought I was smart

Well, it’s official. Jyg and I are no longer. I realized this through the power of MySpace where a small glimmer of hope was holding on to me like a dire child. It went from In a Relationship to Single in a heartbeat after my Epiphany post. What sucks the most is that I found out through MySpace.

I’m not sure where any of this came from. I just know that in the mean time, I want nothing from her. And I don’t want to speak to her. And I want not to see her for the time being.

Which is going to be hard, considering she still has some of my books.

Epiphany

I just realized something. It struck me as the most obvious thing, yet I never paid too much attention to it.

I can’t imagine myself being with anyone else. And to think of Jyg being with someone else kills me. I know, a lot of people say that after the first blow and I’ll admit that it’s most likely true. However, when I was with Jessica or Mari, I didn’t care. I simply just didn’t care. I could see myself with Jessica - or who was it at that time? - when I was with Mari. And I could see myself with Jyg when I was with Jessica. But throughout the five years of my relationship with Jyg, I couldn’t imagine myself for one second being with someone else. I lived and breathed Jyg and I don’t care how much that makes me sound like a girl.

And to think of a life without Jyg is to think of the possibility of not being with anyone at all. I know, that’ll probably change if things don’t get back on track, but for the meanwhile, I don’t think I could be with anyone else. I don’t care to. And while Jyg’s now living her life without her boring (ex)boyfriend, I realize I’m just standing still.

I don’t want to feel this low ever again. And every Friday night I’m going to ponder, is she looking for someone else?

Writers & Experience

I was watching The L Word earlier and it came across the quote that writers want to experience things first hand. I think this is true, though I’m not sure how much of it is in my case. While I want to see what goes down in the night life at a certain adult video store, I do not want to partake in the sex that may or may not happen there.

And during this break from Jyg, I know I’m supposed to do something drastic like get a job and experience the working world and I have every intention of doing so. However, I think there is more to life than just sitting behind a desk and working for wages, hating every single second of your life because no matter how much you lie to yourself, you aren’t really happy. Money is important in life, I know, you can’t survive without it. But it shouldn’t be what drives you in the morning. Your passions should. I think if things don’t get better with us, and I have this impending fear that they won’t, I’m going to save money and just vanish.

I’m not running away, don’t start with those accusations. I’m simply getting up and leaving to experience something else. Let’s face it. I’m the lone guy now in my group. Everyone around me has surpassed me in life and now it’s left me questioning my future. My three closest friends are either married, married with children or simply have children. That leaves me the only single, childless guy. And while that may not be so bad now, things won’t always be as easy. Kids grow up, becoming a certain age that Friday night outings will fade into obscurity. And I’m not writing this so my friends can feel bad for growing up, because I couldn’t be happier for them. I’m just learning how to accept the fact that we’re not always going to be the same four people we were in the past. And no matter how close we are to each other now, and how close we’ll always be, we have to accept certain fates.

I don’t belong here. I may not even belong to wherever this road leads me. I don’t think I’ll ever belong anywhere. I did once. I did before the break. Before the accidents. Before the depression. Before the children. Before the husbands and wives. But don’t belong here anymore. And I think that’s what is getting me down.

I suppose it’s my overreacting mind.