We All Deserve to Die

I have been having this ongoing dream where I’m killing myself after killing some unknown person. I think my mental health is on a decline and I don’t trust myself around pills, plastic bags, razors, knives, anything that I can use to end myself. I hate being this weak. And while I’ve become kind of recluse by force, I’m thinking of going to this event on Saturday. I’m not sure how I’ll get there - this is where new friends should come in play. Sadly, I can’t make new friends because I lack that ability and chance. I’m not sure. I want to go because it’s something I’ve never done before, but am I only doing it because Jyg is living a new life without me? And what’s with this jealousy? Suddenly I’m looking at photos of her in short skirts and thinking that other guys are ogling her like they would a slut. My emotions are rampant. Something has snapped.

The fates are vicious and they’re cruel
You learn too late you’ve used
Two wishes
Like a fool

And then you’re someone you are not
And Junction City ain’t the spot
Remember Mrs. Lot and when she turned around
And if you’ve got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town

I think this sick city is eating me alive. I’m sure it is. It’s like a putrid cancer that latches to our minds/souls and sucks them drive. We are prisoners of our own private hell. Those of us who do go north wind up in Austin, where we just pollute it without ignorance and apathy. We are a horde of emotional vampires, or zombies, pick your choice. We won’t stop until everyone is just like us. And as long as I’ve known myself, I’ve known there are about two people in this world that I’ve met - the black holes and those of us who get sucked into their world. I’m afraid I’m becoming to believe I’m a dying star.

And soon I will devour everything there is to devour. And I’m sure that things will get better as they say, but when the only person who has ever made you felt normal no longer wants to deal with the shit that your life comes in store, then you feel that the rest of the world is worthless. And now I’m thinking what the point of living this life is because I can’t see it any longer.

I damned her earlier. I damned her for her confusion. Damned her for her drinking. Damned her for her friends. Damned her for all things that have befallen on me by her. And yet I cannot hate her, throw her out. I’m her slave, I’ve realized. The pathetic dog who waits around. I’ve hated the weak my whole life and now I’m one of them and I hate myself for it. If I could, I cut the very heart out of my chest and lay on the ground so that the world may stomp on it.

You think that luck has left you there
But maybe there’s nothing
Up in the sky but air

And there’s no mystical design
No cosmic lover preassigned
There’s nothing you can find
That cannot be found
’cause, with all the changes you’ve been through
It seems the stranger’s always you
Alone again in some new
Wicked little town

So what now? I’m not humanisticly suicidal, just off the wire, I suppose. For five years, I was balanced and now I’m like that circus act. One man upon a unicycle with a table upon his hand, glasses towering high and trying to stay balanced. Because when those glasses fall and shatter, I’m not sure what I am capable of doing.

They all deserve to die.
Tell you why, Mrs. Lovett, tell you why.
Because in all of the whole human race
Mrs. Lovett, there are two kinds of men and only two
There’s the one staying put in his proper place
And the one with his foot in the other one’s face
Look at me, Mrs Lovett, look at you.

No, we all deserve to die
Tell you why, Mrs. Lovett, tell you why.
Because the lives of the wicked should be made brief
For the rest of us death will be a relief
We all deserve to die.

Overslept

I didn’t want to be pulled out of my dream. I can’t remember what I was dreaming, or if it was a good one or a bad one, but I do know I didn’t want for it to end when a close friend of mine, let’s call her The Professor, called me late this morning. She called to inform me that Blane - not his real name - had canceled on her. They were going out as friends later on, but something got in the way. I don’t want to give too many clues out here because this is the internet and it isn’t private or safe. Which is why I refuse to give out names. Anyway, the situation on Friday left her with smiles - I couldn’t tell, really, because it was a phone call and I didn’t see her face, but her voice sounded happier than ever. I suppose things happen for a reason, but what reason this is, I don’t know. I don’t have faith, nor do I believe in a destiny (well, not one that’s out of your hands), but some things just have to happen in order for you to grow and learn in this life. Why? I don’t know, go consult your beliefs.

After her phone call, which I didn’t answer because I was in the midst of a dream I can no longer recall, I buried my head beneath my pillow. As some of you remember, if you read my last blog, I have sleeping issues. I’ve had them for quite some time, but not as long as Briggie (read the comments section of that blog) has had them. By the way, just as a side not, I really love the advice dished out.

I have no religion. This is my personal choice because I was raised Catholic, and being Catholic, I wound up being depressed 50% of my childhood. I was going to hell for killing a mosquito, so said my CCD teacher. I also didn’t really like the fact that most of the mass, we seemed to glorifying - gorifying? - the death of Christ. The other 50% was spent ogling the Catholic girls. And would it make sense if I said that 10% of that 100% of depression and horn dogging in church, I was a blasphemer? However, what Briggie advised did make sense. Prayer or meditation, and…um…god(?) knows I am capable of both. Because I am agnostic and seeking a way of life that works for me, I have studied most of the religions that the media covers. However, I’m also interested in the ones that are unknown by the “civil” man. Meditation, couple with the Yoga stint, might actually be the best route for me to go. And it’s also, I’ve heard, relaxing.

Anyway, I was hoping that my typing this blog would jog my memory about my dream. Alas, that isn’t so. I’ll continue on about a guy who decided to get in an online fight with me late last night because of this video. I like Nirvana just as much as the next person, but Emilie Simon took the song and made it her own, something very few musicians can do when they cover a famous track by a famous band.

The feud, as I like to call it, started when I said that I can’t stand how people don’t believe that Kurt Cobain took that shot gun and blew his brains out. I love Nirvana. I’ve been a great fan, sadly, after the legendary singer had already offed himself. But there are the crazy people, people my age and younger, who are so into the zeitgeist of He was murdered, not suicidal that they are blinded by the evidence that is presented for them. Conspiracy theorists can’t be trusted. When has any of their hackney ideas been true? The person’s argument was fueled by the “evidence” presented on a “well-documented” website. While the evidence may be there, the truth of the matter is, Kurt Cobain had been depressed, a drug abuser, and suicide was the only way. The next you know, they’ll want to say Mary Hemingway was the reason Ernest Hemingway was killed–”Twas not suicide, twas murder!” However, I’m giving these guys too much credit. Most of them sit around never hearing of Hemingway because they have their heads too up in their asses to read a book, let alone actual literature. But here is a “well-documented” website that proves that Cobain’s lyrics were messages from the Devil, and that Kurt Cobain, amongst other great Rock legends, were spawns of Satan and little antichrists to spew the dark lords gospel. Excreta Divine! EnnuiPrayer’s debunked the Internet. I’m sure I’m going to get a lot of hate mail with this one from emo-aged kids who “get Kurt” and “I was there, man” morons who have to tangle with me. And let it be, but I just say, as Jesus Christ said, let the dead be dead and get on with your life. I predict in ten years, Heath Ledger will be murdered, rather than a simple explanation of death.

I guess that dream, whatever it was, isn’t meant to be remembered. But I leave you with this:

One believes that he may eat all things, but he who is weak eats vegetables–Romans 14:2

But the Spirit says expressly that in later times some will depart from the faith, giving heed to deceiving spirits and teachings of demons By means of hypocrisy of men who speak likes, of men who are branded in their own conscience as with a hot iron, Who forbid marriage and command abstaining from foods, which God has created to be partaken of with thanksgiving by those who believe and have full knowledge of the truth. For every creature of God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if receiving with thanksgiving. –1 Timothy 4:1-4

In other words, Christian Vegans and Vegetarians are an oxymoron, but I think Jesus says it best in the picture.

Of course you know, I just say in this jest. But anger will pursue me. Unless, you have a mind and a sense of humor.

90 Day Jane is No Longer

I would seem that the attention and media whore is now off line. And now the Blogging World waits. Is the jig up?

Shemshemet Ministry & 90 Day Jane

I’ve been doing a lot of research on the Shemshemet Ministry, a South Texas branch of The Hawaii Cannabis Ministry, which was started by Roger Christie. The Shemshemet Ministry was established by Rev. Adam E. Zuniga of Edinburg, TX. It’s a rather interesting piece that I chose, even though The Monitor already beat me to the punch. The difference between mine will be that’ll actually be informational rather than taking Adam out and shooting–not literally, of course.

The piece I’m referring to has spread like wild fire through out Cannabis forums across the internet. I’d link the article, but then that would be giving the writer, whom I have no respect for, more publicity than she needs. You can find it online if you’re really desperate in knowing what she wrote. But the way she wrote it made me feel that she was condescending towards his beliefs and how she seemed to paint him as a delusional person who wants to smoke cannabis (I vowed to do my best never to use the terms marijuana, weed, pot, etc. when referring to his sacrament).

My article, that I’m writing for South Texas Nation will be on him, his ministry, but mainly the legality of the choice. I have more information than I wanted, so I’m thinking of making a short documentary piece on the subject, hopefully with the aid of Rev. Zuniga and those like him. It’ll be short and based in the Valley. I’m hoping to also get a few representatives of along for the ride. I’m think Aaron Pena because he’s from Edinburg and that makes perfect sense to me.

On to another topic. I’ve been contemplating what I wanted this blog to be about. I already have a-what’s-going-on-in-my-life styled blog, two actually, so I didn’t need another one. After reading an article in a writing journal, I decided it’d be best if I had a writer’s blog as well.

So as I contemplated the fate of this blog, I came across 90 Day Jane. I’m not opposed to suicide, though I’d never have the weakness to do it myself. Let’s face the facts, however. I suffer from depression and anxiety, so suicide has been an idea in the back of my head. I don’t think I could do it, and I don’t want to ever believe that I’m weak enough to ever take my life. But the thing is, it’s still there. I know I run the risk of my personal life being exploited on the internet where potential and current employers may read, but it’s a serious condition and I feel I should address it in at least one of these blogs.

However, and I quote from the 90 Day Jane blog, Jane states the following:

This blog is not a cry for help or even to get attention. It’s simply a public record of my last 90 days in existence. I’m not depressed and nothing extremely horrible has lead me to this decision. But, does it really have to? I mean, as an atheist I feel life has no greater purpose. My generation has had no great depression, no great war and our biggest obstacle is beating Halo 3.

I feel great shame about this whole thing. The media whore she’ll most likely is/will be in the future compels me to believe that there is in fact a hidden agenda. I’m not the one who feels this. There are many blogs out there that are saying the same thing. For instance, Friendly Atheist has also commented on the count down blog.

What I find great shame is the fact she noted that she is an atheist and life has no greater purpose. First of all, let’s get the facts straight. I’m an agnostic because if I can’t commit myself to believing in something that I cannot see, touch, hear, etc., then I cannot, by the same logic, deny the existence of a higher being. I cannot touch, see or smell certain gases, but I do have empirical data that they exist. I cannot touch, see or smell the evolution of man, and I still adhere to that theory because of the same reason.

However, to feel because you are an atheist that there is no greater reason to exist, to go on, to live, because of your non belief in a higher being, is just ludicrous. Even Buddhists believe in a similar thought:

“…every one must bear the burden of his own sins, that every man must be the fabricator of his own salvation, that not even a God can do for man what self-help in the form of self-conquest and self-emancipation can accomplish.” (Goddard, A Buddhist Bible, 3-4)

I know Jane isn’t worried about sin, but is focused that if she doesn’t believe in the possibility of a heaven and hell (a reward and a punishment), then life must not have a purpose. Wrong! Life is purpose. You don’t need a higher being to give you purpose. Existentialists have seemingly come out of the woodwork for Jane. Life’s greater purpose is only chosen by the person who is living. If you feel you have no purpose it’s because you have chosen not to have purpose.

Albert Camus wrote:

“There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy. All the rest–whether or not the world has three dimensions, whether the mind has nine or twelve categories–comes afterwards.

“I have never seen anyone die for the ontological argument… On the other hand, I see many people die because they judge that life is not worth living. I see others paradoxically getting killed for the ideas or illusions that give them a reason for living (what is called a reason for living is always an excellent reason for dying).”

What reason does Jane have for dying? For the sole reason that life has no reason. If I could communicate with Jane, I’d ask this one question: If life has no meaning, then why are we here? There must be a reason, otherwise we wouldn’t exist. Each of us has a reason born within. Whether it was given to us by some higher being, or if it was given to us the moment we saw that our destiny was always in our grasp. So there are reasons that we can have for living, we just need to know what it is.

How do we find out? There are many ways. What moves you the most? Does going to work on a day to day basis, clock out, go home and be with yourself or family make you happy? Then there is your reason for living. Your job. Your home. Your family. These are reasons for living. What about your dog? What about your car? The fact that you make someone that loves you smile? Do none of these things give you the will to go on? What about the small voice you make when you write? There has to be something that gives you a reason to go on in this world. And if you feel that you don’t, then there are ways of obtaining a reason. Church, religion, faith, civil service, community service, charity, donations, nonprofit organizations, things that you can actually get out there and make a difference.

And now I come full circle back to Rev. Adam E. Zuniga who told me that we all have a destiny to fulfill. He asked me in an interview, “What is your purpose? Is it to write an article and help people get their message out?”

Up until then, I had always treated article writing, this freelance job that I have because I like having a lot of free time and living poor (not true by the way). I never once, however, thought that my writing was anything more than a duty I had to fulfill in order to get money. Money makes the world go round, doesn’t it?

But what I have learned in the short period that I’ve known Adam is that there is a lot out there for me to do. I just have to take my picking. I can write for a living, that has never not been an option. However, I feel that something has sparked in me that I must push further to finding my place in this world.

I don’t have control over the events that happen in my life, but Adam did say I do have control over myself. And that’s all that matters in this world. If I am able to one day say, “What in the world was I thinking when I thought I could be an actual writer?” I could easily take my degree in English and put it to other uses. We are not stuck in the loop of having to believe in God and not having to believe in God–we actually have the choice in believing other ideas from other countries. Buddhism, Hinduism, etc.

I wonder if Jane has ever thought of that? It should be fairly simple for someone who isn’t crying out for attention or help to notice that life has meaning only when you give it meaning. We should take it by the grasps and just live.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that Jane isn’t an atheist at all, but merely a joke. I have the irking feeling that she is just the pawn, an invention of Judeo-Christians to promote the belief system. She is not a true atheist, nor does she deserve to use the term to describe herself. It has been to my belief that those who are willing to go as far as to label themselves, unless asked by the general public, that they are so and so, are using the term loosely. I for one have never considered myself a Chicano writer, but a person who happens to fall under the label Chicano by a community and just happens to write. And the only label I have ever called myself is agnostic solely because people refuse to believe there is gray area between those who are devout and those who don’t believe.

So is it a ploy? I suppose we’ll never know unless she has the ability to come back after she’s dead.

—————-
Now playing: Manic Street Preachers-Suicide is Painless (theme from MASH)
via FoxyTunes